we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
