I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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