HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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