Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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