Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
