this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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