Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
