Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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