you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
