I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
