So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
