What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i now understand why vodka
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
