Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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