maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
