How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
