we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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