the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
