so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize