My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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