so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
