please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
