oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
