The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize