Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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