I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize