my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
