I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
