if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
