My liver just broke up with me...
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
