in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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