if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
