there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
