Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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