that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
