Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
