What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
