well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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