pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
