you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
