Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
