i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
