sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize