We named our party play list daddy issues
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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