I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
This can only be settled by a dance off.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
God, I missed his penis.
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