2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize