ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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