Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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