my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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