She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
