I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
