All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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