I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
