false alarm. still invincible.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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