She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
