does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just saw a hot homeless man
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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