I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
