the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
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