woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
