Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize