That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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